The USPS and the Snail . . .29 Mar 2007
Found in: Personal
Posted at: 7:20 PM
My wife received a package in the mail today. In fact, the postman even showed up earlier than usual. “Huzzah!,” you say. Unfortunately, the package was mailed on February 9, 2007. That’s 48 days ago. “Boo!,” you say. Even more unfortunately, the package was sent by her grandmother. “Poor show!,” you say. Most unfortunately, my wife’s grandmother lives approximately 11 driving miles from us, not only in the same state, but in the same city. A different borough, though — that must be the problem.
I did some math. I like math. It turns out that the package averaged less than 0.25 miles/day on it’s journey here. That’s less than 0.01mph. 1/100th of a mile per hour! For comparison, I looked up the top speeds of some of our fine friends from the animal kingdom:
Peregrine Falcon: 200mph
Cheetah: 70mph
Greyhound: 40mph
Grizzly Bear: 30mph
Olympic sprinter: 28mph
Elephant: 25mph
Squirrel: 12mph (future USPS recruits here in NYC?)
Giant Tortoise: 0.17mph
Giant Sloth: 0.15mph (15x faster than the package!)
It turns out that if the post office had strapped the package to the back of a garden snail and pointed him toward Brooklyn, it would have gotten here in about 16 days — three times faster than the mailtruck-equipped postal service! Snail mail, indeed. We had given up hope of even receiving the package (a pair of jeans, if anyone’s curious), so I guess we should count our blessings.
On another note, I’ve decided to start illustrating my posts.
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Comments
Rob | 18 Apr 2007 | 4:27 PM
We live in an age where people will pay large sums of money to join a gym when stairs, bicycles and the like are readily available and (for the most part) free. Yet, these same people will take the elevator to any floor higher than the lobby in the building where they work.
Why?
Because we’re willing to pay for the luxury of being lazy during the times when we’re doing things other than exercising. Exercising has become relegated to an activity best engaged before or after the work day is over - but definitely not during.
All of which is to say it doesn’t surprise me that we are willing to pay postage even if it means that our packages move slower than a sloth. Most people would actually rather strap their packages to the backs of sloths than drive 11 miles in the middle of the day. Hell, you can’t buy a sloth for what it cost to mail that package.
Also, I’d like to point out that even at .42 cents a stamp is still the best deal going - for less than the cost of a cup of ice at 7-11 you can mail most anything anywhere in the country. It’s something of a miracle and more than a little bit socialist and for that I am thankful.
Rabble-rouser.
I think you would have to agree that even a Socialist would take issue with waiting for a package that traveled 11 miles in 48 days. The Pony Express would have gotten it here in less than an hour. Hell, Karl Marx could have taken a steamship from Russia, a ferry from Ellis Island, walked to her Grandmother’s to pick up the package, then walked it to Brooklyn in less than half the time.
Also, I may not be able to buy a sloth outright, but I bet I could hire one for the same price. They’re not unionized, y’know?
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